Day 11: Researching Myself
How did it go?
I started looking at apartments today. There’s something about apartment hunting on your own that is both sad and (almost) exciting. All I care about is finding a place I can afford and that is good for Belle and the cats.
I also started listening to some writing and career podcasts, and I even downloaded some writing courses on iTunes U. Just partaking in those makes me feel I am moving in the right direction personally.
My neutrality doesn’t seem to be going away. Instead, it seems to be turning into periodic breakdowns. I guess I’ll have to see how it progresses as I get ready for my next work event, which will most likely cause some anxiety and help the spiral into breakdowns.
What did I learn?
One thing I started to realize, especially as I look at apartments, is that, in the past (including most recently, before relocating), I tried to plan everything in life. And that just isn’t possible. I took advantage of people close to me and relationships. I made people feel like they were inconveniencing me because I had made all the plans but didn’t make them feel they had a say, even if that wasn’t my intent. I thought if I just planned enough, nothing would go wrong because I would have planned for it all.
Guess what? God showed me different.
My mom used to tell me “if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.” And she’s right. His plans are so much better than any I could have thought of. I just have to work on trusting that.
I also realized what gives me anxiety: thinking about the future. I realized it always has, really, but my way to try to combat it was to just keep planning. Heavens knows that didn’t work, either! I need to focus on the present, because He holds the future.
In a Christian podcast I was listening to, the speaker recommended taking an “inventory” of your mental whereabouts at certain intervals throughout the day—your thoughts, your feelings, what is driving you. I got to thinking that it may be a good idea to do to help me focus on the present.
So, I’m going to set my phone’s timer for 90 minutes during the day, and each time it goes off, I will stop, assess myself, and write down what I find. Almost as if I am researching myself, and that may be just what I have to do—research myself.